Funny Clean Jokes

Get your non-Battletech related angst out in the open here, and talk freely.

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Funny Clean Jokes

Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Jul 06, 2011 3:22 pm

:!: EXPERIENCE :!:

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader....'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He dang near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his reproductive organ over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

:D
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Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Jul 06, 2011 3:27 pm

:!: GATORS :!:

A sheriff was driving down a back country road one day along a parish. He started to notice dead alligators strung along the roadside.
One after one, they were just killed and left for dead. Finally he came upon a small car and saw a blonde haired woman near the water killing a gator.

He got out and walked down near the blonde, who after killing the gator, screamed in anger, collected up her equipment and started moving further down the water's edge.

"Ma'am," the officer asked, "May I ask what you are doing?"

"This is hard!" the blonde exclaimed. "All these gators, and I haven't found a single one wearing boots yet!"

:D
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Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Jul 06, 2011 3:36 pm

:!: DIFFERING DIARIES :!:

Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.



Husband's Diary:
New paints aren't mixing well with older inks, can't figure it out.
Warhammer or Annihilator for my Wolf Dragoons?
Just whatever did happen to Devlin Stone?

:D
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Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Jul 06, 2011 3:40 pm

:!: WILEY OLD MEN :!:

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,
"we're not coming out of this pond until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked,
or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said:
"I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.
:D
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Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Jul 06, 2011 3:44 pm

:!: RETIREMENT BONUS :!:

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
"From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.

:D $ :D
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Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Jul 06, 2011 3:50 pm

:!: MAINE DUI TEST :!:

A Maine State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 one night along the state line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Bangor to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling,and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle .The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them up and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A good old boy , quite drunk , got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my [beeep] to jail. . . . there's no way in [beeep] I can pass that test."

:D
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Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Jul 06, 2011 3:59 pm

:!: BALANCE :!:

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all
things." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Texas , the most glorious place on earth.. There are beautiful sandy beaches, rivers and streams, lakes and days filled with sunshine. The people from Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I will create Washington , D.C. Wait till you see the idiots I put there!"

:D
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Post by beaker » Wed Jul 06, 2011 7:14 pm

Good ones!! :lol:
Thanks for the laugh.
Therefore take heed how you impawn our person, how you awake our sleeping sword of war:... Henry V

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Post by thecircus » Wed Jul 06, 2011 7:24 pm

LMAO!!!!!!! I made this one a "sticky" and challenge others to keep 'em clean!!!!!!



Jeff
"This is Liberty Hall, You can spit on the mat and call the cat a bastard!"

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Post by shalom itay » Thu Jul 07, 2011 3:11 pm

Ok, I'll try one...

A skeleton enters the doctor's office.

The doc gives him a quick look and says "you're way late".


What is the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest.

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Post by thecircus » Sat Jul 09, 2011 8:59 am

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot’s story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base”
briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane — only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”



Got this one from "Chicken Wings", one of my favorite aviation comics (next to Bob Stevens' "There I was...." comics from AirForce magazine).

You can find it here: http://www.chickenwingscomics.com/


Jeff
"This is Liberty Hall, You can spit on the mat and call the cat a bastard!"

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Post by thecircus » Tue Aug 30, 2011 4:23 pm

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
*The first surgeon said,"Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded."*The second
surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in
alphabetical order"*The third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no
balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are
interchangeable!
"This is Liberty Hall, You can spit on the mat and call the cat a bastard!"

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Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Aug 31, 2011 11:15 am

hehehehe
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Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Aug 31, 2011 11:20 am

M.I.A.

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a West Virginia mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army hasn't seen him since.

:D :lol:
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WHY???

Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Aug 31, 2011 11:26 am

WHY???

can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
do we paint camo on a hundred ton, 15 meter tall BattleMech?
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Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Aug 31, 2011 11:29 am

"The Computer is Down"

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests.
So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count' against us, St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

:lol: what a stud :lol:
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Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Aug 31, 2011 11:34 am

Deduction

A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.00.
Mr. President thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read:
"Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those devils deducted $95.00."
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Post by thecircus » Wed Aug 31, 2011 11:45 am

LOTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
"This is Liberty Hall, You can spit on the mat and call the cat a bastard!"

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Post by awclawson » Fri Nov 11, 2011 5:38 pm

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender looks at him and says "why the long face?"


God and the Bridge

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because of your sincere effort to be faithful in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a Woman truly happy."


The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

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Post by Steve Ronin » Sat Nov 12, 2011 12:59 am

NASA's CHICKEN GUN...

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch
standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of
airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling
at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength
of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager
to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British
engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as
the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof
shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control
console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow
shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results
of the experiment, along with the designs of the
windshield and begged the U.S. . scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo --








"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)
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Post by Steve Ronin » Sat Nov 12, 2011 1:31 am

Not So Dumb...

I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers (she's blonde ... it'll be important later)

came in and asked me what I'm doing.

"Shh," I said, " I'm a light bulb -- I'm acting crazy to get a few days off, as there is an out of town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday."

A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off, and come back when you are less stressed."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker started following me and the boss asked where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said.
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Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Nov 16, 2011 9:47 pm

Borrowed from Friends...



1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...And pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Post by thecircus » Thu Nov 17, 2011 12:15 am

I'm laughing so hard I can't breath!!!!!!!!!!!



Jeff
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Post by Dart Omega » Sun Nov 20, 2011 2:30 am

Believe me its clean; my friend told me this one so I thought I would share it ;)

College

A college class was told that they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were:
The short story had to contain following three things:

(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ in the entire class:

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."
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Post by Steve Ronin » Sun Nov 20, 2011 11:01 pm

LMAO!!! :lol:
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