Funny Clean Jokes

Get your non-Battletech related angst out in the open here, and talk freely.

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Post by sir_spamalot » Mon Jan 09, 2012 10:08 am

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a vegetable garden?






Squash.

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Post by Steve Ronin » Mon Jan 09, 2012 10:55 am

:lol: ooohhh ... punstastic... :lol:

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a Hatchetman?



Steak.
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Post by Steve Ronin » Mon Feb 20, 2012 10:30 am

In honor of the 3.75 inches of snow I just got....

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Post by Steve Ronin » Mon Feb 20, 2012 10:33 am

Buffaloanians... no offense meant. Course, it ain't like Buffalo HAS an offense. :wink:

**************************************************
A BUFFALONIAN GOES TO HELL
Carl Paladino dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a wicked, horrible man his entire life. The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledge hammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as Paladino is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"

Carl, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Buffalo. Hot, humid, plus I always loved demolishing old buildings! This is fantastic!"

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder Carl's remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with rain blowing into his eyes, Carl is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.

Paladino replies, "This is great! Just like April in Buffalo. It reminds me of landscaping all of my beautiful Rite-Aids!"

The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make Paladino suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make Paladino unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is again aghast at what he sees. Paladino is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero?" screams the devil. Jumping up and down, Carl throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over!! This means the Bills won the Super Bowl!"

*******************************************************
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Post by Steve Ronin » Fri Apr 27, 2012 8:06 am

oh, them medical professionals...
Ever wonder what medical personnel scribble on those clipboards attached to
the foot of the bed? Here are some incredible comments taken from hospital
charts:



"The patient refused autopsy."



"The patient has no previous history of suicides."



"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night."



"She is numb from her toes down."



"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."



"Discharge status: Alive but without my permission."
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Post by nicewitch » Sun Jan 20, 2013 6:58 pm

What kind of snack does Santa Claus like?

A HoHo snack.

Why is it good to make friends with someone that burglarizes your home?

Because he/she can let you in your home if you get locked out.

Why is it good to date someone that stalks you?

Because he/she will always be faithful to you.

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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Feb 13, 2013 4:41 pm

Teacher's Quotes...

It was the first day of a school in USA, and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good!"

Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?" Again, no response, except from Chandrasekhar.

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper, "Damn those Indians." "Who said that?", she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General George Armstrong Custer, June 1876."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're screwed!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the Native American people, Ocotober 1492."
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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Feb 13, 2013 4:50 pm

Oooops.*

Was in a Mexican restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my expulsions with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my lunch and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Guess I'll never go there again.





*borrowed from the internet, not me.
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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Feb 13, 2013 4:57 pm

PUZZLE

Can you solve this puzzle?
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?














A: Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Feb 13, 2013 5:00 pm

... And Then The Fight Started...



One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife,
'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!'
she said.
So I suggested,
'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have $ex?'
'No,'
she answered.
I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
'Yes.'
So I said,
'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first...
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said,
'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
'What's on TV?'
I said,
'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said,
'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale..
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her,
'Do you know him?'
'Yes,'
she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!'
I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I rear-ended a car this morning.... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said,
'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf... Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors... I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said,
'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
And then, well.....The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

:lol:
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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by Steve Ronin » Thu Mar 21, 2013 10:15 am

Survivor - Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled:
"Survivor - Texas-Style!"
The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville.
They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will Go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally back to Dallas .

Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 10 bumper stickers which will read:

1. "I'm A Democrat"
2. "Amnesty For Illegals"
3. "Boycott Beef"
4. " George Strait Sucks"
5. "Re-elect Obama In 2016"
6. "Rosie O’Donnell Is Texas Born"
7. "I Love Obamacare, Nancy Pelosi & Chuck Schumer"
8. "It's Bush's Fault"
9. “Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion"

And the last sticker is ............
10. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns"

The first contestant to make it back to Dallas - ALIVE - wins.

>>I'd watch that show! <<
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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by Steve Ronin » Thu Mar 21, 2013 10:24 am

If these weren't so TRUE... they'd be funny.

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS


1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by Ravion Hawk » Mon Mar 25, 2013 8:22 pm

A Mayhem moment:

You're driving a sexy, red, T-top 2000 Camaro with a manual transmission...
I'm the ant that just climbed up your pant leg while changing gears...
"I'm the Colonel of the Iron Ravens; when I end up behind the eight-ball I blast the thing with a Gauss rifle and move on."

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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by Steve Ronin » Mon Jun 03, 2013 12:16 pm

...a what if moment...

http://what-if.xkcd.com/8/

by XKCD.
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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by BobTheZombie » Tue Apr 08, 2014 7:11 pm

What do you get when you combine an atheist and a Jahovah's witness?



Someone who knocks on your door to tell you about nothing.

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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by Steve Ronin » Tue Apr 15, 2014 8:57 pm

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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by GRUD » Tue Jul 01, 2014 9:05 pm

It seems that "Wendy" (from the fast food chain of the same name) was found dead and mostly devoured by a bunch of wild hogs. What did the coroner list as the cause of death?





Baconator! :lol:

(For those that don't know, that's the name of a burger from Wendys! :mrgreen: )
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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by GRUD » Wed Jul 09, 2014 6:01 pm

What do you call a Black Knight that's armed with Plasma weapons, flamers, and SRMs packing Infernos?






A BK Broiler of course! :mrgreen:
To me, Repros are 100% Wrong, and there's NO room for me to give ground on this subject. I'm not just an Immovable Object on this, I'm THE Immovable Object.
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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by WilliamTuckness » Wed Jul 09, 2014 9:32 pm

Why should you marry somebody that breaks into your home? Because he/she can let you in your home if you accidentally get locked out of it.

Why should you marry somebody that's near your age and stalks you? Because he/she will always be living and faithful with you. By the way, there is the Stalker (3025?) 'Mech so I thought this latter joke would be funny and clean.

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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by Steve Ronin » Fri Jul 11, 2014 11:36 am

sorta creepy, sorta funny.
good enough.
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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Aug 06, 2014 9:31 am

So I searched GOOGLE for "funniest joke on the internet"

#1 result:

BING.

somebody at Google has sense of humor. :lol:
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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by Steve Ronin » Wed Aug 06, 2014 9:38 am

British Humor...

**A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins;
What a turtle disaster!

**Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out!
We don't want your type in here"

**There's two fish in a tank, and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"

**A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by Steve Ronin » Mon Oct 27, 2014 11:02 pm

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! much truth to this !
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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by Dread » Tue Oct 28, 2014 5:26 pm

Oh... I hate cold-foot surprise. It's worse than butterball turkey butt.
"Ejection seats are for wimps! Real men ride 'em to the ground!" -- conversation overheard between a VTOL pilot and an aerojock.

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Re: Funny Clean Jokes

Post by Ravion Hawk » Tue Oct 28, 2014 5:49 pm

Dread wrote:It's worse than butterball turkey butt.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
"I'm the Colonel of the Iron Ravens; when I end up behind the eight-ball I blast the thing with a Gauss rifle and move on."